Thursday, March 17, 2011

I wasn't in the mood to write last night. Yesterday was a crappy day. It started with Grayson's teachers coming over. They both noticed some more regression in Grayson in how he sits and they said we really needed to call the neurologist. I knew I should have already called, but I guess I just wanted to keep thinking all of this would just go away and he would be fine. 
He was doing really good with eating also. We were going on day 5! But then he choked yesterday on it so I didn't feed him. This is day 3 of throwing up. It very well could be just a bug that he caught, and I'm really hoping that is what it is. It is also something that happens (the throwing up) when there is more pressure in the brain from pressure of the tumor if its grown.
Well, I did call the neurologist. Of course every time I call I get the voicemail so I left a message with all him new symptoms going on and what his teachers thought. Then we all headed out to go do some shopping and clean out the van before the hubby had to leave for drill.
I wanted to get another pair of St. Patrick's Day socks from Joanns to make into legwarmers. So we did some other shopping, the boys got their hair cut, then headed over to Joanns, waiting patiently the whole time for a call from the neurologist... So of course while we are walking around in Joanns my phone rings. I had it in my hand so there was no way I would miss the call.
I answer and its him nurse. She said that Grayson will need a MRI asap within the next few days, and then our neurologist was supposed to be out but he is staying and will be in the office for Grayson. Um, ok. Well first off I got really scared and nervous because Jesse leaves for drill (he left this morning and is gone through Saturday night, Sunday). There was no way I could do all that alone! After talking with her we decided he would have an MRI before his follow up with the neurologist on Wednesday morning. So at least Jesse would be home for that so that made me feel a little bit better. But we still needed to make sure he could get the MRI done on Monday or Tuesday, because it NEEDED to be done before Wednesday.
Ok, little bit of stress and not a good store to be in. I was in the ribbon isle when I got the call too. Needless to say I wasn't even paying attention to what I was doing, my mind was just numb after that conversation. With my cart filled with who know what, we paid and left. I got home and realized I had tons of new ribbon, a brain that was on numb mode, a husband leaving for drill in AM, and family coming to visit in the next few days, and a son that is going through something no baby should ever have to. Ugh! 
4pm came and we still had not got a call from Gillette for the MRI appt so I called them! So, Monday at 6am it is! My dad and step mom are coming and taking some time off work to watch the other kids so this can be done. They are so awesome and we are so thankful that they can come and help out. That in itself makes this seem less worrisome. 
I have lots of new ribbon. I love making bows. It comforts me for some reason. My mom said maybe because its the one thing right now that I can control what the outcome is. Maybe shes right...
I just cant even put into words how I feel right now. I want this MRI done and over with, but I don't want him to be sedated again and him to have to go through that, again. I really don't know how we will deal with things if this tumor has grown. I'm just so afraid....

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Promise to self

Dear self, I promise to always be a light for my children, even on days that feel incredibly hard. To encourage every bit of their hearts ...