Sunday, March 20, 2011

I dont want tomorrow to come....

Tomorrow is the beginning of whatever is to come. We have to call the oncologist and I'm so not looking forward to anything that she has to say. But on the other hand, we have to do this, for Grayson. Tomorrow is truly the beginning of our new journey. I'm scared for my son and for our family.
The neurologist told us already that its not good. He's so young so his options are limited. So what is she going to say?? I'm so nervous, scared, and pretty much every emotion one could feel...I'm feeling it, all at once. 

Recently Grayson has been having a hard time sitting up. His lower back muscles seem to be much weaker, weaker then just a few weeks ago. I will put him down on the floor to play and he will be sitting and then just slouch and usually fall forward, or to his side and just kind of end up in the crawling position. He hasn't started crawling yet however. Still rolling around to get to the places he wants to get and finds ways to get into things he knows he shouldn't get into LOL. 
The neurologist said the tumor is pushing on nerves that are causing the:
-throwing up
-the weakness (in his back and right side)
-the trouble eating
-but shouldn't be causing him pain...I'm not sure if i believe this one though

I guess I should start making a list of all the questions that I'm going to be asking this oncologist. I finally opened the folder with her information that we were given by the neurologist on Friday. He said shes one of the best, but I still don't want to go see her. I don't want to even believe that this is all going on. Some times I feel like we are strong, because of him, and we can go through with this. But other times I don't even want to acknowledge that any of this is true. 
I dont know how I am supposed to feel. I should be strong yet I feel so weak and broken. My heart hurts and at times it hurts to breathe. Grayson is such a fighter and he is smiling all the time. I dont want that to ever go away....God will have to fight me if he thinks hes taking him away! This makes me mad...
It helps reading all the comments from people (family/friends, and even people we don't know) praying for our little Grayson. The comments really help me, they make me feel stronger and its comforting.
If you get a chance please stop over and check out the Card Benefit for Grayson that was set up by a great friend. We are so thankful for all your support.


  1. My thoughts and prayers are with you and baby Grayson that he just place his hand upon him and heal him. You are a very strong person and I can only imagine how bad your heart must hurt. I don't know you i felt you on the Staats Blog and ur story touched by heart, so now I follow your story hoping for a miracle for your beautiful little man. Stay strong and hopefully the doctor today gives you some good news!

  2. Hi - I don't know you either, but I wanted you to know that we will be praying for your family. Our children are so precious, and the thought of harm coming to one of them is so unbearable. But, somehow God will continue to give you the strength for your sweet little boy. Praying your appointment goes well.