Sunday, March 20, 2011

Hello emotional roller coaster....yesterday had such highs and then the lowest lows I have ever felt in my whole life. I think its all finally hitting me now, and I'm not sure how I feel about it most of the time. We cry...a lot! So this is our life now?
My dad and step mom had to leave yesterday around 3pm. We cant thank them enough for being here, because I know there would have been no way either Jesse or myself would have been able to take care of all the kids the last 2 days. 
Yesterday we all went out to Chuck E. Cheese and the kids had such a blast. It seems I don't think about things as much if I stay busy.

Last night it seemed like all the kids were acting up. Wyatt was so over tired that he just kept being naughty, which sometimes it was hard not to laugh at him. He finally went to bed after 730 and the girls started fighting and woke up Emma so they had to get sent to bed close to the same time. 
In case the kids acting up wasn't added stress enough, Jesse was told by his Sgt. that he needs to pack a bag for 4 days for flood duty. Ugh! I'm sorry but if you house gets a little water in it I don't care, I want my husband here! We will be having our first appt next week with the Children's cancer doctor. I don't know what she is going to tell us differently then what we have already been told. The tumor is being referred to as 'inoperable"  so his only option right now would be radiation. um, YUCK. But either way, cant imagine the hubby would want to miss that, and we were told he needs to see her right away. If she wasn't on vacation we would have already seen her. 
My heart hurts for my baby, my head hurts from thinking of all of this, and my eyes hurt from crying. I feel like a huge part of me died and I keep replaying the whole conversation with the neurologist. "its not good, just go have fun with him." What the hell does that even mean...ugh.
So, I look at Grayson....and he doesn't look sick so why are we being told this. Will I be able to afford to go do fun things with him? Why are we told to go have fun with him? Is his time with us really cut short?? 
I'm crying as I type this and I want to wake up from this nightmare. I feel broken but I seem to be OK when he is near me.
Emma seems to be the same way. I wonder if she knows, if she can feel it and if they can talk with each other about it? 


  1. I found your blog by chance when I was looking at I am so sorry for you and your family that you have to go through this aweful thing in your life. Our family will be praying for sweet little one.

  2. There are no words that I can say that will make you feel better about this whole situation. Just know, I'm thinking about you and I'm always here for you if for no other reason than just as shoulder to cry on or to vent! You call me anytime you need to. Love you guys so much!

  3. Sorry to hear your family had to head home. I hope they are able to make there to be with you all again real soon. AND you have every right to want your husband there with you instead of fighting floods. I continue to pray!


Promise to self

Dear self, I promise to always be a light for my children, even on days that feel incredibly hard. To encourage every bit of their hearts ...