Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Promise to self

Dear self, I promise to always be a light for my children, even on days that feel incredibly hard. To encourage every bit of their hearts and to always be their rock. I promise to teach them to seek you, Lord, in the tough times and also in the good. I promise to continue working on me, and to no longer feel selfish doing so. I promise to believe in my own beauty, even when I don’t see it or feel it for myself. I promise to let my passion drive me, even on the days I am struggling to stand. I promise to focus on ideas that bring me happiness and break chains with the ones that don’t. I promise to invest time in myself and time on my mind. I promise to be more gentle with myself. I promise to remind myself that life is about taking baby steps of faith even when you feel like you can walk no further. I promise to have the courage to pursue my calling, even if no one else understands. I promise to be bold in my belief even when my voice shakes. I promise to always stand up for what my heart knowingly deserves and accept nothing less. I promise to accept this years failures, not as defeats, but as lessons. I promise to understand that not everyone is going to like me, or accept me, and that shouldn’t change who I am or who God has called me to be. I promise to seek out people and things that bring me life and to give my heart to them every day. I promise to seek only those who fan my flame and filter out those who don’ matter how painful or gut wrenching it might be. I promise to believe in myself when no one else does. To never lose sight of where I’m going even when the lights seem to go out. I promise to be relentless and resourceful in using the talents God gave me but to never abuse them. I promise to remember that during this process, I will discover my purpose. I promise to let this pain teach my heart, and to no longer harden it. Remember self, you are more than enough, and more than worth it.

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Gracie Joles Day

Happy Gracie Joles Day! 

Gracie had the same tumor Grayson had and even had the same oncology doctor. We've grown close to Gracie's mom over the years and it's a bond like no other. 
Today we ask everyone to be a little more kind. Spread love every chance you get, even if it's just a quick smile to stranger. Let's make Gracie proud. 

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Palm Sunday

We were off to a nearly late start this morning but made it just in time for church. It's our second week of being back  I feel Him. We needed this, and Him and even though the reason for us being drawn back to our faith isn't ideal. I still feel it's a blessing and I thank Him many times daily.

 We walked down to the park yesterday and there was a little girl with a bunny and our hearts melted. I've always wanted to get a bunny for the kids and this sure didn't help.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

4 years

Today. Today marks 4 years. It doesn't feel that long though, to be honest. I can still remember where I was standing in the house when I was told over the phone that my 8m old baby had cancer. I can remember what outfit Grayson had on.
Those feeling, emotions, all still very raw. Even 4 years later.
I could go into detail what all we went through, but if you haven't been down this road, there is no way in hell you would have a clue.
Today, I challenge you to not complain. Not once. Hug your children. Be kind. Be generous. Be thoughtful.
‪#‎Graylove‬ ‪#‎warrior‬ ‪#‎survivor‬ ‪#‎childhoodcancer‬ ‪#‎myhero‬ ‪#‎supergray‬ ‪#‎celebratetoday

Friday, January 2, 2015


I stopped blogging almost 2 years ago with the intent to never come back. I had my reason. Mostly because it was so hard to go through the events of the day and then sit down after the kids went to bed and, in a sense, relive them. I guess in a 'normal' life that wouldn't be so bad and could even be entertaining. In my our life things aren't exactly 'normal' even though G has ended treatment and we only doctor every few months.
I am still not sure what has brought me back to blogging, but here I am! I hope to post weekly. =)

Saturday, October 13, 2012


Well it's been a long, long time since I posted last. I guess having all 5 kids home doesn't leave much time for blogging, who knew?!~
Let's see, what all has gone on in the last few months....
The girls both started school and are doing GREAT! I just had conferences the other night and Lauren is a "bit of a class clown" <-- NO way! Not MY Lauren hahah! Riley, smarty pants, is my 3rd grader and she is testing at a 5th grade level. Such a little overachiever! So proud of her!

About a week ago I brought Wyatt in for his first boy moment - almost needing stitches. *Rolls eyes* To be completely honest, I am surprised it took this long before something happened with him lol. He is a total boy and has NO fear! Anyways, he was running around in the living room and fell, hitting his face on the side of the couch. Cut up his lower lip pretty bad and also bit it. He went all out. There was blood everywhere and the cut was nearly all the way through the lip so we packed up and headed into the ER. The Dr. was going to put a few stitches in it but I thought that would be super traumatic and asked if we could just do the super glue stuff. He was happy to throw that on there and away we went. A few hours later, Buddy picked the flipping super glue stuff off. I swear, this boy wants me to die of a heart attack, soon! Well, thankfully it healed quickly on its own and never got infected. It looks pretty good and nearly all healed now.

Emma and Grayson both have a pair of Peach's Neet Feet now!! Emma just got hers in the mail the other day. If you are not familiar with Peach's Neet Feet, you are soo missing out! What they do is amazing in so many ways! We are so very blessed and thankful to have not only a pair for Grayson, but also Emma. Thank you everyone at PNF!!! Head HERE to see all the amazing things they do =)

Also, Grayson's next scan has been scheduled. November 9th.  Insert hyperventalating mama! I am honestly scared to death to walk back into that hospital. I feel as though now that we haven't had to go in for weekly chemo, now that I have finally convinced myself that we can now live a "normal" life again, I don't ever want to go back there. To that part of our lives. The nightmare! It may sound crazy, but it took me 2 months to start to even try and live "normally." We know that the tumor will grow again, and it haunts me...but I don't want to believe that. I can't believe we made it through the hell, absolute hell, we went through the last 15 months. I can't even fatham doing it again, but even through a tougher nightmare?! When I think about the past year and half, I feel a little numb, like I was in a war with something so horrible, the only way to live through it was to numb my mind, my feelings, and my emotions. Become numb=survival. I know most people will say "You can't keep things in, you need to talk about it." Fuck you! Sorry, but really, fuck you! That was my way of dealing, and I don't regret it at all. When I think back, it's really a blur, and it's best to keep it a blur. When I think of details, I get sick, sad, mad, ok, furious! My family experienced things no family should experience, I saw things no parent should see, and I felt things no parent should feel. Those things I can not unlive, I can not un-see, and I can not un-feel.

On a more positive side of this "nightmare," I have met some of my new best friends along this journey. God sent me those who I needed, when I needed them. Sometimes complete strangers or even old enemies became some of my closest friends and showed they truly cared about me and my family. I am forever grateful for them.
I am trying to keep myself busy and my mind focused on remaining positive for the up and coming scan. I have to remind myself that worrying really doesn't change anything and just wastes a whole lot of time and energy lol.
Oh and I am not going to spell check this, so hope I didn't have a billion mispellings :P I am sooo tired and headed to bed. I could probably fall asleep like this....

 HAHAHAH!! Oh Silla (that is his nickname...idk why. It was silly billy...then silla just silla...LOL crazy how nicknames come about. Emma's is Diva B or EminEmma, Grayson gave her that one haha).
{{Goodnight}} {{N.E.G.U.}}

Saturday, August 11, 2012

We can officially say - Grayson is DONE with chemo! Thursday was his very last day!! I keep thinking about the damn scans though! Blah!!! Big "Fuck You" to cancer! Oh, and I know this sounds crazy, but the 'end' of treatment is really going to be hard to adjust to! I swear I'm on a rollercoaster ride with ups and downs every few minutes! I thought the oncologist was kidding when she said a lot of parents have a really hard time at the end of treatment. Who would have thought?!  LOL

Exactly 14 months!

Looking forward to not having to spend so much time at the Oncology clinic!!! Yay!! We do go back in 6 weeks for a followup and they are throwing a little party for him there. Isn't that sweet?! So much fun!!

I am trying to think of things to distract my mind from wandering to those anooying and fun-sucking 'what if' thoughts. I know I do need to start getting school supplies and clothes for the girls. They are coming back on the 26th and school will start on the 4th. I'm going to let them pick out some stuff and will have to wait for stuff like shoes and jeans to make sure they can try them on first. So now I just need to find something to do in the mean time! I feel like I need to go do something, but Grayson has to wait at least 3 weeks before we go do anything to extremem with lots of people/kids. He needs some time to get a decent ANC and let that immune system start to bounce back.

Tis all for now,
Laters =)

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

This and That

Grayson has been neutropenic the last week so we are on the lovely 'house-arrest.' Must say it gets boring, fast! Grayson didn't get chemo last week due to the low ANC level so now our end date of chemo is pushed back at least a week. Tis life! I'm sure it's because I have a countdown and a party planned, right?! lol
I've had a ton of orders lately so I've been super busy at night keeping up with those and I even managaed to get one school shirt done and matching necklace! Go me! Pretty sure Riley will love it!
Super cute!! Going to make some lounge/PJ shorts tonight for them. Seriously those take like 15 mins each lol. And, you can never have too many pairs of jammie shorts! :) I'll post pics of those and other projects as well.

Also picked up this beauty the other day...isn't she so pretty?!

Right now its hanging up and it's gorgeous as is, eventually I will do something more with it!

The twins have hit their 'terrible two's'...I must say, it's still hilarious to watch them! They get in each others faces and yell in their own little language and then go separate ways whining, but then a few seconds later are cuddling and laying on the same pillow. LOL! I take lots of video so I can show them just how funny they were when they were little.

Oh, and if you would like to follow me on Pinterest...head here:

Laters ;)

Friday, July 13, 2012

Friday the 13th

I suck at keeping up with my blogging! Wow!

Today is Friday the 13th. Started out just as awesome as one would imagine. lol

Well Grayson is done with chemo on the 26th. 13 days! Mmhmm, about damn time!! The crazy thing is, I'm not sure that I want it to come.  It seems as though the closer we get to the 26th of this month, the harder things are for me. I am certain that this is THE hardest part thus far in our journey. When he was first diagnosed, it was new and scary, I didnt know what to expect. During the last 15 months of treatment, he stabilized and there was a small sense of comfort in knowing the chemo was doing its job in pro-longing life. But now we are nearing the end of this chemo treatment and we were told that Grayson's tumor WILL grow again. We dont know when. We dont know if we will catch it in time. The doctors are worried it will grow uncontrollably once chemo ends. <---I obviously have to disagree, screw cancer and screw doctors with their statistics! :)
I am trying to keep myself busy with other things and projects because I am not in control of when my son's time is up. <----Can not believe I even have to think this way, ever, and why the hell should any parent ever need to think this way?! Ugh, I just HATE.cancer!

In other news, did you know they already have school supplies out at Target?! Seems so early, but yes, I did grab some things since they were on sale and I will have 2 in school this fall. They already have the school supply list up too so that helps.

Thats all for now, guess I'll post in another month haha, ok hopefully sooner :)

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Hello Blog World,
I'm back, for now lol. I just havent been in the mood to write on here in sooo long. I've come by and looked at my blog and just can't even find the words to describe what I feel and most of the time I don't even feel like posting about what I did with the day. It's usually the same....sit at home, take care of kids, or spend my day at Childrens/Gillette. Not exactly something I'd love to recap :P

Lots of life changing things/events have went on in the past 6 months {Divorce, Twinkies turned 2, stable scans, summer showed up, storms ruined our neighborhood} Yep, lots of juicy stuff huh?! I bet you'd love if I went into details on it all, but we'll just leave that to the wondering minds.

The weather is HOT-HoT here and I love it!! I wish I could find a lake with lots of shaded areas along the beach/water but have had no luck. If you know of something in or around Minneapolis, let ME know! :)

I am back on Pinterest as well, pinning, and pinning, and...pinning!! OH, and I have found a new obsession, burlap!! That crap is awesome! I think im going to cover my walls in it, sexy right?! Ok, maybe not as far as covering my walls with it, but I've got a few projects in mind ;) Just need to get me some burlap and I'll post pics of my genious (ok, pinterested genious-ness) project!

Tis all for now, Laters!! :)

Friday, January 27, 2012


You are what you eat

I woke up in a Fantastic mood! I say "fantastic" because even I'm not sure as to what words are going to come out of my mouth next. Fun right?! I think so anyways ;) Nothing wrong with a little sassiness to make the day interesting!

Since our household is on the oh-so-amazing lock down, I have come up with all sorts of fun things for us to do...outdoors. Right?! Just like how I have no vehicle but can think of a million reasons that I need to go for a drive. Blah!

I find myself looking on Pinterest for that magic quote or saying that will pop out and smack me in the forehead and get me into a much better mood. This is what I found:
Pinned Image
Um, YEH! Ok. So with this lovely day and my fantastic attitude that I have, I'm going to have to go with Kenny Chesney-Reality! =)

good quote.

Hm, I'm feeling like a better mom already! hahah!

Definitely putting this quote up in Tyler's room- describes my boy to a T!!
How cute?! Love this!! So need this for my boys <3

Well Grayson is in charge and he isn't ok with me being on the computer. Guess my break is over!
~Tomorrow is a new day~

Promise to self

Dear self, I promise to always be a light for my children, even on days that feel incredibly hard. To encourage every bit of their hearts ...